This is one of the most difficult posts I’ve written to date. Initially, I was just going to file it away, but over the last few days, I’ve heard rumors that were, of course, untrue, so I’ve decided to clear the increasingly dense air.
The last two weeks has been chock full of all kinds of joyful, interesting, and heartbreaking happenings. I have had some excellent phone conversations and some disheartening, or revealing, rather, phone conversations and interactions. Of course, there has also been a fair amount of Outlaw Preachers drama. It pains me, deeply, that I am even able to say ‘of course’ in that last sentence.
For some time, I have considered resigning from OP ‘leadership’. Perhaps I have been holding on to hope that I might be able to help facilitate a return to our things of first importance. In my honest estimation, to date, that hasn’t happened. We’re not even on the road to those things.
More recently, I’ve been holding on to hope that the reboot of the Outlaw Preachers website would help bring a clear center and identification of purpose to our community. The more I’ve considered this, the more I believe it won’t help resolve the perennial issues. It may only serve to exacerbate them.
Some heels have been dug in.
Some wagons have been circled.
Some have been, for some time, publicly calling for various leadership to be forcibly removed. Some have done so in private. One person has even issued multiple threats to me, privately. I’ve heard of conversations from people that they were contacted and ‘encouraged’ to choose a ‘side’. In this context, these kinds of actions are unacceptable for any person, let alone someone who claims to follow Jesus.
I will say publicly that I have not, and would not, ever ask someone to choose a side for me. I can handle my own business. Others cannot and need others to back them. When people back them, the feel it legitimizes their thoughts and actions and gives them a false sense of respect. While I do not agree with that kind of posturing, I understand it.
As history progresses, people change. Perhaps I’m being unreasonably nostalgic in hoping for the days when the Outlaw Preachers weren’t embroiled in constant arguments; when a tangible sense of grace, peace, and respect ruled our interactions. We’ve always had our naysayers and trolls, but we confronted them selectively and together. Now it seems, someone can’t even post a fond memory from their childhood without it becoming a free-for-all fight. I am complicit in this. I’ve acted, at times, in this manner. I’ve apologize for it and done my best to not be baited into these unproductive conversations; even deleted comments and posts when they begin.
I accept my portion of responsibility for the current state the Outlaw Preachers. For almost 3 years, we have allowed this community to grow without clearly identifying who we are and what we’re about. Had we done this much earlier on, I believe we would not be dealing with the issues at hand. People would have clear expectations as to what we’re doing, what kinds of interactions are acceptable, and what kinds of interactions are unacceptable. At this point, it’s virtually impossible to reverse course and place boundaries on a community who’s boundaries have become almost entirely relative to the person/people interacting with the community.
When a farm is cultivated, there are clearly informed boundaries and roles for each portion of the farm. Those may change over time, depending on the needs of the farm, but the various boundaries are always clearly informed. If the livestock are given free reign of the gardens and fields, they will do with it what they’re designed to do: eat the maturing fruit and vegetables, destroy the ground, and ultimately decimate what has been labored for.
In the case of our Outlaw ‘garden’, I believe my recent admonition to ‘grab a ho and get to work’, though good for a few laughs, came a season or two late. The boundaries were not clearly informed and the ground of what we had has been largely decimated.
This, in no way means, the Outlaws are over, though. Some will stay and attempt to redeem that land and use it for something else. Should someone have the grace to bear that burden, I applaud and encourage them in this endeavor. But I am no longer that person.
It is with my previous comment, and with a great sense of pain, peace, and joy, that I say I have not only resigned from Outlaw Preachers leadership, I’m leaving the formal community.
I have expressed, at various points of my involvement in this community, that if my presence ever became a hindrance to the community, I would leave without hesitation. I expressed this as recently as Sept 28th at the OP11 wrap-up meeting to Connie, Nar, and Phil. At that meeting, I even asked if any one of them felt like it was time for me to leave. They all said, in no uncertain terms, “No”.
But that time is now and perhaps it’s long overdue.
I believe my continued involvement in the community is neither helpful nor healthy for either of us.
It’s not uncommon that I am up until 2am or 3am talking with various people about Outlaw issues. I sometimes spend hours of my days at work talking with people about various issues. I don’t say that begrudgingly. I’ve performed those functions joyfully. I have invested time, energy, and large amounts of money into this community because I believed in it. I even personally covered the almost $1500 deficit that we had at OP11, which all but about $400 has been recovered.
I feel as though the Outlaw Preachers has grown into something that no longer resonates with me. That not necessarily a bad thing for the community, but it is for me. I’m sad for that, but I’m not bitter about it. I recognize it as a present reality.
Rob Bell has this to say about these situations:
“Change is loss, but change can also be a catapult. When change happens, we often find ourselves asking ‘why?’, but perhaps a better question would be ‘What now?’.”
This is not to say that I am leaving the Outlaw Preachers to start something new, at this point. My leaving is not an attempt to split the group and/or topple steeples. I’m not interested in encouraging others to leave. Many of you have expressed an interest in leaving for some time. Some of you already have. This fact did not influence my decision in any way. I am leaving on my own, for reasons stated herein and unstated.
I do not wish any harm or destruction on the Outlaw Preachers. My prayer is that they will thrive in the manner they need to thrive. My prayer is that they find clarity, peace, and purpose.
Saturday night, I left all Outlaw Preacher groups on Facebook and removed the OP account from all of my Twitter apps. This morning, I deleted the hashtag. Initially, I did this because I needed to return to a place of peace, without the temptation to interact in a way that would compromise this pursuit. I’ve been weary for so long that it’s long been affecting my life outside of the community. Previously when I woke up in the morning, the first thing I did was check the OP Facebook group, the hashtag, and various twitter feeds to create a plan of how to mitigate whatever drama erupted over the previous night.
I haven’t done that since Sunday morning, and it has felt great… every.single.day.
I am incredibly thankful for the opportunities my involvement with the Outlaw Preachers has given me. I’ve met some amazing people, shared tears, laughs, bourbon, frustration, anger, and some amazingly kick-ass times. I’ve made some true friends for life. I acknowledge this and celebrate it. I always will.
May the grace and peace of our good teacher abide in the utter most parts of your being.
-b
